How Suicide Saved My Life: Finding Freedom, Faith, and Purpose
*Trigger warning - this subject contains topics of Suicide*
I recently found out that someone I knew died by suicide. This brought up a lot for me as a suicide survivor. My grief and compassion for her family and my community is strong, and I feel sad that she felt so alone and believed that this was her only or ‘best’ option.
So much of our internal worlds and our internal struggles are hidden and can be masked so easily, as it feels shameful to admit that we are having dark, negative, scary thoughts about ourselves and our lives. As a suicide survivor, I know how real it feels that dying is the answer. It feels like a solution that ends the pain. There is no shame in having suicidal thoughts, desires, plans, or intentions. You’d be surprised that it's a common psychological state people find themselves in when faced with unbearable pain and hopelessness for their future.
Whether you have passive thoughts like “I don’t want to be here anymore” / “I should just go away” / “I don’t want to do life anymore” or active thoughts “I should swallow these pills” / “What if I just crashed my car and made it look like an accident” / “What’s the most painless way to die?” the next step is to tell someone safe.
Overcoming Fear to Seek Help
Your first barrier to telling someone is the fear you’ll have that they’ll negatively judge you or think less of you. You’ll anticipate shame and the person seeing you as “crazy” or being “dramatic”. I want to remind you that there are genuine people in your life who love you and want you to be alive. If you receive a negative response, I want you to tell someone else. It can feel safer to call an anonymous crisis line (resources listed at the bottom) or reach out to book a counselling session. Trained professionals can handle this disclosure.
Believe me when I say, the people in your life, close or distant, will be so grieved if you decide to take your life. It’s not the only solution. Suicide communicates something is wrong. Suicide can actually show you what’s not working and move you towards a life that you actually WANT and ENJOY living.
My Personal Turning Point
In fact, my most recent battle with suicide led me to my biggest breakthrough, and it was less than 2 years ago. Living in my parents’ basement, stuck in the pain of depression and hopelessness, in high conflict with my family, I threatened (and meant it) that I was going to go to my room and swallow a bunch of pills. It was emotionally charged and intense, and my parents were overwhelmed and not knowing what to do they called 911. I used to work with the local police, and the shame of an officer I knew showing up to help me was unbearable. I grabbed my keys and ran out the door as a police cruiser followed me and pulled me over. Even more shame flooded me as a very attractive British officer instructed me to roll down my window… HE WAS HOT. FML.
I told him I had no active plan and was going to my brother's place, which was safe and literally drove off on him mid-sentence. I crashed at my brother’s condo and the next morning in the kitchen, I didn’t withhold anything from my brother re the pain/conflict/rejection/abandonment I’ve experienced from my parents and other family members my whole life. He listened and understood, and encouraged me with a mix of empathy and reality. “I can understand why you feel that way. You’re not wrong” and then also “I know you want them to change, but they’re not going to. Not because they don’t love you, but because they don’t understand.”
I let my guard down from his empathy, and I let his words be true. I had a massive light bulb moment.
“If they’re not going to change, then why am I waiting around and begging for them to fix this, wishing and hoping they’ll figure out how to meet my needs?”
Instantly, I was filled with peace and freedom, realizing that I can stop beating a dead horse, put the club down, and go live MY life. That day I decided to do my first solo travel trip ever and rented a sexy white jeep that took me on a month-long road trip down the coast of California. TALK ABOUT A LIFE PIVOT.
I stopped waiting for others to save me and I started living MY WAY knowing it was moving towards a life I wanted to wake up to.
The Path to Self-Discovery and Faith
This trip was the beginning of a self discovery and self love journey with God. This journey has given me hope and faith that the way God created me and the hopes, dreams, and ideas he’s given me are worth pursuing. I received counseling to help process the trauma, and I started working with an intuitive empowerment coach who radically supported me in learning how to live life in a way that feels honouring to both me and God. It is not a sin to see yourself in partnership with God, claiming your identity as divinely inspired and purposeful and run towards your dreams and goals he’s placed inside of you.
There is a very harmful narrative/belief in the church that we need to live a sacrificial life of self neglect in order to please God. I believe this is a lie from the devil that keeps you stuck and small thinking that sacrificing your wants and needs is Godly. Self-neglect is not righteous… it’s a path towards despair, depression, and suicide. If you’re not happy or struggling to find peace, this is an important and honest acknowledgement that needs to be addressed; as it’s not a sin to be happy. Joy and peace follow when I get to collaborate with him on my inspired and creative ideas, knowing i’m partnering with a loving Heavenly Father.
As I “do the work” to start living my life more connected to my intuition and God’s gentle and sometimes not so gentle guidance, I have found a way that allows me to rest and let go of the harmful thinking patterns of my past and be confident that God has a plan and a purpose for my life that is uniquely mine.
I now get to wake up knowing that if He created me this way then He will provide for me and my wants/needs/dreams/desires are for me to follow and watch Him collaborate on creative ideas together. How exciting! I don’t have to suppress and hide myself anymore! After all Jesus clearly stated that he provides rest for the weary and burdened and advised that He is humble and gentle, as he teaches you towards a life that offers rest for our souls (Matthew 11:28). I do not hear a demanding, critical, needy God in that verse. I hear a gentle, understanding, loving God that offers to help you find peace and ease.
I hope this helps you see how suicide can help you find freedom and move towards a life that you want to live… because if you want to die then something IS wrong and the hope of going after a life you want to live in possible. You’re not crazy and a new way of life is available if you’re willing to allow yourself to explore this possibility. Jesus did say that he came to give life and give it abundantly so let’s believe this is possible!
I’m excited to hear from you as I know that moving from suicide to success is possible :)
These are my honest and raw thoughts,
Katie
P.S. My mom met me at the end of my trip in San Diego… our relationship is far from the Gilmore girls, but I am grateful for her love and support in my life.
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