My Story
My story is 38 years of transformation of moving through crisis, both major and minor and finding courage through faith, travel, mental health struggles, and self-discovery. It’s also the reason I created ContemplatingKatie.
But first, you’re probably wondering: What’s with the dash in my logo?
The Dash in My Logo: Why It Matters
My Brand Logo has a dash for a couple of reasons. My first reaction to this proposed Logo was “ew no! So jarring!” but then I could not get it out of my mind… Out of the 5 logos I was given, this was the one that stuck with me and had me glued up against a wall crying because its boldness scared me.
Here’s why.
It breaks design rules → I am learning to break rules and live my own life.
It’s flawed → As am I, but learning to see how that’s really quite beautiful.
It disrupts flow → My breakdown from burnout created a disruption of flow in my “perfect” life.
Two lines instead of one → My life was on one path until that disruption caused me to switch lines and live a completely different way.
Art causes a reaction → I want my life and art (writing, content, fashion, dance) to cause a reaction in you - good or bad - I don’t want to be neutral anymore. Let me guess… You probably began thinking, “Is that on purpose? Why did she do that?” Immediately, I’ve got you thinking, reflective, curious… exactly where I want you to be.
Bolded Katie → I want my name to stand out because I’m tired of playing small and I want to be my BIG BAD SELF.
Call It Me
A Poem
Written by Katie Gosse
Call it jet lag
Call it luteal
Call it PMDD
Or ADHD
Call it anxiety
Depression
Or insecurity
Call it misaligned
Or bad alchemy
Whatever you call it,
I simply go by me.
The one that’s buried under your ludicrosity.
I go by me,
Because I am free.
Behind the Smile: A Trigger Warning
(Suicide, mental health, and assault are discussed below.)
My whole life, people have told me:
“You’re always smiling.”
“You’re so bubbly and happy.”
“You’re so brave.”
I was well traveled, obtained my master of social work degree, living in a downtown condo with my cute dog in one of the trendiest neighbourhoods (west Queen West #IYKYK). Here’s the thing, people’s perceptions of me were not ME at all.
Since I was a teenager, I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, insecurity, ADHD and PMDD (most of these diagnoses came later in my adult life). I know how to please people like a boss. I would leave my car, crying my eyes out and walk into a restaurant perky and chipper, never giving anyone reason to be concerned about me. My spirit animal was a chameleon… whatever environment I was in, I knew how to change colours; I could blend in or stand out, all for your comfort.
The Weight of Shoulds
It didn't make sense. I had a good childhood… in fact, my parents never divorced, my dad, a successful businessman with multiple properties, and my mom, a passionate teacher. My two older brothers excelled in school and hockey, and I was dancing at a high level of competitive dance in jazz, tap, ballet, and lyrical. So why did I struggle behind the scenes so intensely? Good question.
Faith, Crisis, and Calling
After two failed suicide attempts in high school (that no one knew about), I guess God wanted me alive (thankfully). I became a Christian at 18 years old, which really changed my life and 1000% kept me alive. After receiving the Holy Spirit and experiencing God with an intense peace and Joy, I started moving towards a life of purpose… BUT as a Christian, I still struggled with my undiagnosed mental health that I carried alone.
One thing I want ContemplatingKatie to address is that suffering emotionally and mentally does not make you a bad Christian or someone who lacks faith. In fact, I’ve realized that I’ve been suppressing my God given identity, which has contributed to my mental health symptoms being so debilitating. The lie that women and Christian women need to be submissive, quiet, subservient, and self-sacrificing is (in my opinion) causing a great deal of suffering. Being confident, powerful, speaking up, and taking decisive action on your wants, needs, and ideas is not sinful, and I’ve realized it is a part of how we are meant to build the kingdom of God.
So here I am trying to live out my God given identity and purpose of supporting women in a creative, supportive, emotionally safe space... BUT let's get back to my story.
The Breaking Point
If I grew up in such amazing environments, why was I struggling so deeply and so secretly?
I was trying to fit my creative, expressive, emotive self into the cookie-cutter shoe that was simply way too small and not built for me… but this is what we’re supposed to strive for, right? Higher education, high-paying job, church community, husband, kids, house = happiness. Right?
Not right. There’s no right. And there’s no wrong. There is only me and only you. We are who we are. These ideals are given to us with good intentions, but as the world evolves and grows in knowledge and technology, we millennials are on the cusp of living emotionally attuned lives (if we choose).
As a repressed emotional creative, school did not nurture these natural talents, and so I had to push them down. How did I do that? To keep my emotions out of the way I would suppress and repress them which lead to symptoms of anxiety and depression and self hatred (because our emotions are a big part of who we are) and because they wont go away and we hate them, we find ourselves thinking about how to get rid of them and suicide seems to be the logical solution.
So I pursued the life I “should” want. The life I was told “should” make me happy. So while I had many good things in my life, I had a lot of problems because it wasn't right. I often felt lost, wondering “what am I doing with my life?” and “why am I not happy?” and endlessly searching for answers.
While I tried on the shoe of shoulds, my true self couldn’t take it, and I’d find myself making impulsive, risky decisions from last-minute travel (to get away from it all) to drunken hookups with men because the attention and alcohol made me feel good.
My mental health was hidden because I was thriving professionally, or looking like I was living an amazing life of jet setting and T.O. condo life. I did amazing things - lived abroad in multiple countries, including studying the bible for a year in Australia. I got to study dance in Montana and go on tour in Europe with our show. I worked various government jobs helping women, children, and families find safety from domestic violence and sexual assault. I saw God grow my first business venture offering private psychotherapy for 6 years. I had a tall, gorgeous Australian boyfriend I wanted to marry, a cute dog, and a passion to pursue my God given vision of expanding For Freedom Counselling.
While that was happening, I was super passionate but also super rundown, exhausted, and lost. Abusive ex-boyfriends, rape, sexual assault, religious manipulation (I was legit in a cult), over performance professionally and personally, losing friends to marriage by the second, depressed, anxious, painfully lonely, and dreaming of dying. “This doesn’t make any sense!? Why do I struggle when I have it all!?”
As I took steps to grow my business, God halted it all. I literally could not keep working due to burnout, compassion fatigue, and vicarious trauma. My own untreated mental health, alongside carrying the weight of others’ deep and painful traumas, caused a massive crisis in my life. I quit the business in 2 weeks, sold my condo in 3 months and moved into my parents’ basement, unable to even cook a basic meal for myself. I let it all go with no plan, purpose, or direction. I was terrified. So I slept.
As I stand on the other side of this crisis, I am thankful God burned it all down. It was the most painful and most liberating 2 years of my life. As I faced another very real desire to commit suicide by overdosing on pills on Thanksgiving 2023, my parents were distressed and had no idea what to do. They called 911 after I threatened to take pills so they wouldn’t have to “worry” about me anymore.
When Shame Saved My Life
Considering I had worked with the regional police previously, the idea of an officer that I might know showing up to see me an absolute mess rocketed me out of my bed and into the car to avoid the confrontation. Sure enough, I found myself being pulled over by a young, handsome British officer requiring reassurance that I wasn’t going to kill myself. I was mortified. With my window rolled down 1 inch, I quickly reassured him I was safe and zoomed off, leaving him in the dust.
This crisis was a massive turning point in my life. As I cried and argued over the kitchen island in my brother’s condo, he gently but firmly led me to the revelation that I was living my life for others and that I was waiting for them to do the same , which would never happen. A painful yet liberating psychological truth: accepting people will not change, even if they love you.
My 5-year education in social work exposed me to psychology, sociology and theories that helped me realize dysfunction but it never helped me learn how to cope with my own family's dysfunction and its impact on me. I wasn’t the only child with deep and scary emotional problems. My siblings and I all struggle to manage our emotions in a way that they don’t spill out in other ways.
So why did I suffer so much while having it all?
Intergenerational trauma leading to emotionally insecure/immature parents.
While my parents did their best and got a lot right in raising three children, their blind spot is emotional attunement. My Dad’s motive and desire for his family was that we would never go without, but that meant he worked 17-hour days during my childhood, leaving me without him. My mother is doing her best to raise 3 children on her own, but her anxiety caused a lot of emotional chaos and overwhelm. I do not blame my parents, and I have worked hard to forgive them, and I now know how to love them and receive the love they can give (read more on this topic here).
The impact of emotional neglect/detachment or being raised by emotionally immature parents is unseen. It’s invisible. It lingers in the crevices of our brain, never fully revealing its ugly head as it often demands perfection and performance.
We were raised to believe that our emotions were too much and to not have them. We were undermined and controlled by the fear and anxieties of our parents wanting “good” for their children (good according to who?).
Patriarchal ideals of roles of men and women had us suppressing true expressions of ourselves, and we either became so overwhelmed by our emotions that we developed anxiety/depression, or we simply had to detach and not think about certain things.
People with emotionally immature parents develop anxious/avoidant/disorganized attachment styles (link to book in shop) as they don't know how to have and hold emotions for their own purpose and benefit.
Our emotions are meant to guide us to know what feels ok for us.
Anger = feeling disrespected or like a boundary is being crossed,
Sadness = grieving something/someone we want
Joy = a guide to lead us to God given dreams and desires.
Emotions are also the healing salve to the psychological wounds we all face. We hid our emotions, meaning we’ve never been truly seen or heard, and therefore never fully loved.
The idea of feeling fully seen and heard terrified us as we expect people to reject, dismiss, and shame us as we reveal ourselves, so it’s safer to hide and pretend we’re good.
We become what others want from us because it feels safe, or we can hide and become hyperindependent, not needing anyone, because relationships aren't safe and supportive.
We perform for connection, and we detach for safety.
We get flooded and overwhelmed by the need to self-soothe, and we do not know how to genuinely connect with ourselves, others and God because people either need something from us or will hurt us through emotional or physical abandonment. If not overwhelmed, we’ve learned to completely detach and can be accused of being emotionally cold or distant - not understanding what others are wanting from us.
As I discovered this, I began to heal. As my brother gently held me with his empathy, I realized my parents can’t meet my emotional needs and living my life waiting and hoping for them to change meant my life was on pause. That moment changed the direction of my life. I felt free and peaceful, but also angry (in an empowered way). Since then I have been chasing MY LIFE.
Within a month of that crisis, I booked my first solo trip where I did a month long road trip down the California coast. This trip liberated and connected me to myself and I began to dream again. Shortly after that trip moved Archie and I to Mexico for 4 months. I continued to work with my therapist and hired a life coach who both helped me heal (therapy) and learn how to move forward (coaching). Terrified to fully jump into a new way of being, I accepted a social work job and dabled in the “shoulds” again… only leaving me bored, unsatisfied, but motivated for something different.
Healing Is Ongoing
Healing and growth is constant. You’ll never arrive, but you will change and be way more capable. I feel this deeply. I’ve learned how to recognize my emotions, welcome them, and use them as a guide to a beautiful, purposeful God lead life.
No more fitting into a shoe that doesn’t fit. I’m making my own path, and I’ve been writing about it since it happened.
I've taken my professional knowledge and my personal experience and I’ve purposed it into my blog for you on this beautiful website ContemplatingKatie.
I’m not perfect, never will be and don’t want to be.
I just want to be painfully me.
And I want this for you, too.
I hope my journey, words, and expertise make you feel seen and heard and know you’re not alone. Whether you have the dream life or the basement blues and you find yourself wondering “why don’t I feel happy,” dreaming of dying, then my content is for you.
Grounded in 15+ years of experience as a Masters-level social worker, psychotherapist, alongside my personal experience of raw, honest searching and healing, I hope you find solace in my raw, honest thoughts because I know we are not alone.
It was only when I allowed myself to be seen and heard that I healed. It felt scary and incredibly vulnerable, but it was the beginning of me feeling free to be me, and that changed everything.
Will you dare to do the same? To move from crisis to courage?
To have the courage to contemplate ________you?
I hope you do,
Let me know what you decided.
These are my honest and raw thoughts.
With truth & love,
Katie
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